My spiritual exploration began
by obsessively attending lectures and reading books abounding in ways to perfect
denial. Just say these affirmations
each day and your life will be fixed.
Just act as if everything is fine and it will be. Fake it until you make it. Think positive. Breathe and let go. Just look at the bright side.
And,
my favorite one: It’s all good!
I was an ‘enlightenment junky,’ jumping
head first into anything that claimed life-changing results. I was desperately trying to not only feel better about life, but trying to figure
out what the hell my life was about! I had Big Questions!
Although some of these
practices helped for a while, the gains were never consistent (Read: they lasted about an hour until Real Life set
in). Freedom from what was trying to
bubble up inside me was short-lived at best.
Convinced there must be
something inherently wrong with me because I wasn’t able to maintain those
so-called enlightened states, I acted more as if, faked it even better and just kept breathing! My brief visits to the blissed-out state that
others seemed able to permanently reside in left me unfulfilled. Tasting those spiritual hors dourves left me even
more famished.
For years I would exit my
latest spiritual venture filled with dewy-eyed hope that, at last, I found
“It.” My bliss wouldn’t even last as
long as my drive home, slinging curses at those mindless L.A. freeway drivers
cutting me off or stupidly turning left too slowly.
I would frantically repeat a
pre-emptive mantra: “Just be calm,
control yourself, and don’t let anything get to you. Think positively, for God’s sake!” Try as I might, no positive thinking
technique or Susie Sunshine affirmation worked to appease my automatic
irritation, my uncontrollable need to lash out at the innocent bystanders in my
path. Arriving home provided more to blow
up about, aiming straight at my husband who hadn’t taken the trash out or
vacuumed as I had requested.
No matter how distressing it
was to those around me, and no matter how often I would guiltily vow to be
different, the scene played itself out to the grand finale: A dramatic fight about something oh-so-petty.
Although incapable of stopping
the blast until every drop was vomited out, I would wonder why on earth I was really
exploding. It made absolutely no sense
that I could spend an entire day in such spiritual harmony only to land with a
vicious thud the minute I crossed my threshold.
I felt like an actor in a play
unable to separate from character, reenacting the same scene ad nauseum, even
though the audience was booing. And
throwing popcorn.
This mystery became the impetus
to find some sort of spiritual something
that wouldn’t fade when the reality of day-to-day life set in, something that
would be a permanent shift in consciousness, something that would stick
no matter the circumstances. Something
that would shine a bright light on what’s lurking inside the caverns of
consciousness, not relegate it into the corner to be ignored.
Combining some of what I had
learned from my discipline hopping, along with tapping into some very wise
intuitive guidance, I developed my own method:
Perfect Love Awakening (www.placlasses.org).
Through the copious trial and
error, I discovered an essential key: Trying
to put a fluffy layer of positive over a steamy pile of negative won’t, can’t
work. Try as we might, it’s impossible
to suppress anything -- emotions, negativity, fear -- because it’s an energetic
see-saw: If we push down one side, the
other side always pops up somewhere, in some form, and often how we least
expect it. And, denial ultimately
creates destruction both inner and outer.
Which explains why, when I would
come home to my loving family after a spiritual workout, all I had been quashing
with lofty Sound Good Concepts, would ultimately jump up and bite me in the
butt! “Oh
yeah, we’ll show you how loving you really are… you can’t even tolerate your husband
not taking out the trash! Sheesh!”
Even though I thought I
wanted to change my life (See, look, I am trying, really really hard), there
was a deeper part of me that was in bratty defiance, refusing to give in,
kicking its heels in full-on tantrum. “No way!
I don’t want to change! It’s much
safer sitting in this pile of sh*t because
at least it’s warm and comfy and doesn’t smell!”
I didn’t know it then, and
even if I’d been finger-nails-on-a-blackboard tortured, I never would’ve
admitted that I was subconsciously sabotaging those life changes I was trying
to make. I needed to prove my
accomplishments couldn’t last, confirming that I was exactly the same as
before attending the seminar du jour. Why?
To be RIGHT about all those false, subconscious notions I had about what
I deserved. Or rather believed I didn’t deserve.
No matter how much expectant
excitement the participants of a new PLA class have, the sparkle fades when
they realize what a deep spiritual journey entails. The core
issues that start to emerge cause even the bravest of students to start
clamoring for the door. Luckily, the
strength I have from walking my own steep path out of denial allows me to
recognize the symptoms and be able to explain:
It’s just fear.
And, it’s all good. Cause doing
this inner work ultimately takes you to deeper awareness, joy, peace and personal
empowerment. And, it sticks. Really.
Royce Amy Morales is the founder and director of Perfect Love Awakening, an "inner makeover" center in Redondo Beach. www.placlasses.org
No comments:
Post a Comment